freedoM!

hmm..

hooray to the end of exams! n hooray coz ive joined tabao united =( damnit. i'm so bloody upset n disappointed. improper time management. tonnes n tonnes of stuff to study... information overloaded for the past couple of wks. feel as though i've resurrected when the clock strikes 12 today. so good.. but i've done soooooooooo badly for my papers... tat for the first time in my entire life i know i'll jus gonna see them nxt sem. it was so horrible, that recalling those times back at the examination hall.. i'll jus shiver at the thots of it. seriously... im 19 going twenty this year... took more than 12 years of examinations... this is one which i go into the examination hall w abt 20 to 30 % of knowledge... this is the one which my mind suddenly black out.. forgetting every single formulae.. leaving abt 80% of the paper blank... things i've NEVER done in exams before. it was jus horrible. terrible. wanted so much to cry mid way thru my exams.. but i cant.. tears jus couldnt flow... head spinning.. aching.. ive never felt this way during an exam before. im so sad.

but it's thru this exam i learnt tat i have very very good lecturers n tutors. i'm simply too touched by them. their sincerity... their effort.. and everything else... i loved them seriously. no tutors wld stayed up till 4am for consultation.. but him... no tutors will drop so much hints... but him.. there's jus no one else like him... and a few other tutors too. im really really touched by them. i supposed towards the end of the exam.. the reason why im able to continue mugging was because of them as well. of course there are many other reasons. like my lovely neighbors... we pushed each other... comforted each other when we were down.. cheered for each other... tat's how i survived. i really couldnt imagine how life wld be w/o them arnd.

im gonna miss them really. miss everyone while im away in canada for 2.5 months. ive finally decided to put aside everything in singapore n travel to a faraway land. and for the first time in my life... a place so far away... alone... no.. im not gonna be scared. i gonna be independent. i will survive. really. finally exams are over n i can finally get real excited over this trip. i gonna leave my family.. my frens.. my commitments.. my responsibilities aside for these couple of months.. away to a foreign land. i wanna travel... i wanna make friends from all over the world... i wanna experience how it's like to be in a foreign land. i wanna learn to be independent. im 19 going 20. im a young adult. i shldnt worry... i'll be fine. it gonna be great fun! *excited*

email me my friends... or email me ur address... n we can be short term penpals! i really really gonna miss you all.. goodness!

the going gets tough..

hmm...

had a dream just now. it's not abt anyone arnd me tho. but jus thought it was kinda interesting so i woke up immediately n came online thinking tat i might be able to search for sth.

anw.. yesterday was a bad day. real bad. i wouldnt want to think abt it anymore. i had the worst exam ever. my mind blanked out n i felt extremely terrible during the 2.5 hrs. exams had never been like this for me. i know i was too tired. i know i didnt had enough rest. n my mind happily blank out when i thot maybe i could still perservere on for another 3 hrs. but no.. i forgot every single formula. 80% of the paper on calculations.. i cant do a single shit. stress level shot up to it's highest. almost break down. wanted so much to cry but no tears could flow. ive never never felt this way for exam. im certain ive to retake this paper. this is not a test or a CA. it's an exam! why? im freaking disappointed w myself. went back hall immediately... slept.. for 4 hrs.. but went i woke up im still traumatized by what had happened earlier. it's an exam. it's an exam. it's an exam. stress level still going high. head still feeling heavy n saturated. i tried studying.. but no... nothing can enter my brain.

ive done something ive never done before. ive flunk an exam which i never did in my whole life. i have to retake a paper which i never did all my life. and the first person i thought of immediately was my grandpa. i failed him. his last words to me was to study hard... i failed him. ive disappoint him.

im feeling kinda weak to continue the exam anymore. im scared. im stressed. i thought maybe i jus needed rest. but now it seems like it's more than jus that. im really scared.

i pray.. i really wanna pray.. tell me what to do lord.. im feeling so lost.. so helpless...

scared.. i really am..

im so sorry grandpa..

sucky? but good day.. =)

hmm..

had my first paper today... kinda sux. it was organic chem. jus how i miss having mrs lim arnd. as long as it's about chemistry.. i'll think of her. i might not have been a very good student.. often flunk my CAs n class tests n slept during practicals... but there's certainly no qualms abt how passionate n sincere she is in imparting the knowledge to us. i think i miss seeing her arnd in class tho she's kinda fierce. shld she be my lecturer now.. she might have given up hopes on me... haiz.. skipped too many lects.. missed out too much... no time to catch up.. all panicky hours before the paper... i pray that i need not retake it nxt sem. sigh.

had a make up thermo tut after the paper. and wahahhahaha... I LOVE KOREAN LECTURER! hahahahhahaha.. or maybe just him. he's such a nice guy! giving us hints n tips n whatever nots... ive never missed his tut... it's such a fun time learning with him teaching. wahahhaahah.. he has now set a new criteria for the mr right im looking for. haha

as i was leaving the cafe jus now... dr xu smiled n said hi to me w/o me noticing her! haha. she's yet another NICE lecturer. chatted w her for a while.. haha

haha.. though i had a sucky paper.. but everything jus kinda feels good after that. i can even find myself smiling after the paper. perhaps it's like.. FINALLY IT'S OVER.. maybe it's because of the nice lecturers i met after the paper.. maybe it's because i finally get to see my classmates after not crapping w them for so many days.. maybe it's because i see a new friendship progressing well.. for this period at least.. i hope it'll progress further tho.. n now i kinda miss this friend of mine when my friend is not arnd...

hmm.. i thot my hols plan isnt quite possible le.. then i received a call.. n it simply gave me hope! somehow im really looking forward to it.. awaiting for a positive reply...

sometimes a call from anyone at home.. esp frm mommy... feels so good.

hmm.. tired.. time for bed...

nites babe!