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there was a problem w this blog a few months ago.. apparently it seems fine now. wahhahahaha. still.. let me know if it's really working.. if it is then i'll start writing here once again!

adios!

summation of 05/06

okay.. since i have some time today.. i shall write this before the new term starts.

well..jus how fast time flies. i've completed my first year in uni..moving on into my 2nd yr in two wks' time. and now i'm a senior... no longer someone playing those games in the camp, but someone involved in the organising of such events. but be it playing or organising, i have enjoyed doing both.

my first year started with the orientation camp. i would say that it was the best camp i've ever attended. mud slide, mud crawl, initiation etc etc.. i've done things which i never thought i could. climbing the pole, climbing the high wall, rolling in a puddle of mud, ate chillies.. drank chilly sauce... etc etc. it was hell of an experience! a very good one though.

next was participating in the interhall games. that was when i met the best team mates one could ever had. i really love the team so much. even with my lousy skills, they taught me with patience... making sure that i understood everything. even though im a slow learner, they never gave up on me. it was with them, that i first felt that i belonged to a team. together we experienced the joy when we won, and the pain when we lost. we were so close then, seeing each other every morning, afternoon and night for trainings. the bonds we forged were so strong, so much so that it hurts for the captains to leave us for their exchange. just when everything ended, i realised how much im missing the team.. missing the time we spent together. it was during the interhall games too, that i got close to someone, who eventually became my one and only penpal. im thankful and glad that we became penpals actually.

i was involved in the OC and D_D organising committee as well. though the reason why i joined the committees back then was simply to earn points so that i could continue my stay in hall, but eventually i realised just how much i've learnt along the way. like meeting with hotel ballroom managers, searching for event companies, food vendors etc. even from the social and publicity subcom, i've learnt how to design and paint huge banners, creating and putting up posters and updating notice boards, brainstorming ideas for social programmes etc. it was another whole lot of experience gained from being involved in all these despite it taking up much time. but that's after all what i would say 'uni life'.

as for sch, i gonna say that i'm a pretty bad student. missed countless number of lectures and tutorials. attending most tutorials without doing it. slept during lectures. but i do count myself lucky that i have a couple of very nice lecturers. we had fun during all the consultation, which are supposedly like our last minute studying. hahah. but the lecturers i had last sem are really very nice. i remember telling myself that i gonna mug hard.. not for myself.. but for them who have put in so much effort for us. i'd try my best to be a better student from this coming sem onwards. heh

friends and hall mates - one will usually make a lot of friends in uni. but i supposed the ones im closer to are my hall mates. im thankful that one of my hall mate, or rather my neighbor is my classmate as well! so we managed to help each other with sch work.. mugged with each other during exams as well. im seriously thankful for that. staying together w the hall mates have been such great fun actually. we had steamboat right outside my room, watched dvds together, played MJ together, discussed political issues within hall together, celebrated birthdays together... but more importantly we gossiped and chat the whole night through that we couldnt wake up for lessons. hhahah.

so for about 10 months i've stayed away from home. and i thought that i kinda like the lifestyle of being independent, staying out on my own. but the irony was how staying out made me miss home more also. it made me appreciate my family even more i guess. after staying out for so long, i guess im not that used to moving back home for good. so eventually i bought myself an air ticket and flew over to canada during the 3 months break.

it was a very good experience over at canada. saw the most beautiful thing in my life. even when i was working... it was good experience as well coz i know i'll most probably not get a similar job back in singapore. and for the first time my job has sth to do with the food industry.. something which i've always have interest in. and i've experienced just how it works while traveling around at the same time. im glad i've made a brave choice to travel on my own. it might be lonely at times. but never too lonely. coz up in my mind, i keep with me memories of my friends and family.. so i know i'm not alone. i guess one just gonna be brave.. and nothing is impossible. given a chance.. or rather if i managed to save enough, i would want another adventure next year. after all it's not in every stages of your life that you get to travel this way. so i guess in the new academic year.. i'll work hard.. save lots.. and plan my next adventure! =)

god has truly blessed me in the last academic year. im really thankful for that. for all the experiences and the new friends that i met.. not forgetting with struggles i had as well. i pray for god to bless me in the new academic year as well. im looking forward to a fruitful 2nd year with lotsa great experiences and friends! =)

fearful..

hmm..

feeling kinda uneasy. it was just an email which turned my day so bad. it's hols today n uncle took me out cycling and showed me around. yet, all that's on my mind was the kinda response i received from a friend. somehow it made me fear going back to sg. i fear those kinda feeling that i had to endure when things between me and my friends turned sour. i fear giving my friends excuses when they respond in an awful way towards me. there's a lot i fear about my friends... is it a good thing that im in canada now? i don't know.

uncle talked to me earlier on about me migrating to canada. the first thing that came to my mind was my friends. the thing i can't bear to leave behind are my friends. be it friendships that are only couple of months old or years or even a decade old.. it's all about my friends that i can't let go. things changed. just take a look at my uncle. it has been 24 years since he left sg.. and he lost contact with all his friends. i really cant imagine that happening to me. friends are one large part of my life. losing them is tantamount to losing a large part of my life. i doubt i'll ever allow that.

missing u..

hmm...

if im blogging.. that's becoz im bored. n when im bored.. i think of my friends, my family, and everything else that im missing right now. that's why i dun like to be bored.. especially now.. it makes me feel lonely. knocked off from work at 5.. came back home.. bathe.. did laundry.. now ive nothing to do. even with my hp with me.. there's no reception n all i could do is to read thru the last few msges over and over again till the batt goes flat.

really miss my friends i guess. really, really miss u guys.. so much...

the day draws near..

well...

come to think of it.. some things have really changed over the years.. i noticed the changes.. tho not everyone noticed it. i thot it might have been a positive change. n so each time i kept quiet... hoping tat u'll see the disappointment in me.. hoping that you'll change. n yes.. i noticed some changes. i jus hope that one day i'll see the same old brand new you again.

hmm. went to see doggy jus now. or rather the little puppy - dave. it's jus 1.9kg. so small so adorable. n im obsessed with the puppy's feet. thinking tat it's so nice to touch. it's jus like a little baby.. whining.. crying.. licking.. wagging it's little tail.. hahaha.. but still.. even tho i enjoyed it's company.. i still wont adopt one as a pet. responsibilities i guess. cant imagine having myself cooped up at home watching the little puppy. but i love little dave! =)

alright.. so was having dinner earlier on.. n my aunt was arnd.. chatted w her n we both got so damn excited abt going overseas. she's been to like all over the world man. impressed! telling me abt the experience etc etc. guess it's my first time having such conversation w my aunt. haha. n couple of days back w my uncle too. we were discussing abt bring some of my grandpa's ashes to can.. but worrying tat i might get into trouble at those customs so eventually we all decided against it. then my uncle talked to me abt my cousin.. abt the recent rallies.. the elections so on.. never had such comfortable chats w my relative for a long time. hahah. n this mrn chatted w my grandma on the phone.. telling me to take care of myself etc when im awhile.. woo..

anyway.. sent a thank you email to my profs earlier on... n im so damn touched by the reply. goodness. i wanna cry already la. for you sirs... i promise im gonna work damn hard next sem onwards. eh.. for my grandpa too! im gonna be a NERD when i return. all study no play! *jus joking*hmm.. one more day.. jus one more day...

freedoM!

hmm..

hooray to the end of exams! n hooray coz ive joined tabao united =( damnit. i'm so bloody upset n disappointed. improper time management. tonnes n tonnes of stuff to study... information overloaded for the past couple of wks. feel as though i've resurrected when the clock strikes 12 today. so good.. but i've done soooooooooo badly for my papers... tat for the first time in my entire life i know i'll jus gonna see them nxt sem. it was so horrible, that recalling those times back at the examination hall.. i'll jus shiver at the thots of it. seriously... im 19 going twenty this year... took more than 12 years of examinations... this is one which i go into the examination hall w abt 20 to 30 % of knowledge... this is the one which my mind suddenly black out.. forgetting every single formulae.. leaving abt 80% of the paper blank... things i've NEVER done in exams before. it was jus horrible. terrible. wanted so much to cry mid way thru my exams.. but i cant.. tears jus couldnt flow... head spinning.. aching.. ive never felt this way during an exam before. im so sad.

but it's thru this exam i learnt tat i have very very good lecturers n tutors. i'm simply too touched by them. their sincerity... their effort.. and everything else... i loved them seriously. no tutors wld stayed up till 4am for consultation.. but him... no tutors will drop so much hints... but him.. there's jus no one else like him... and a few other tutors too. im really really touched by them. i supposed towards the end of the exam.. the reason why im able to continue mugging was because of them as well. of course there are many other reasons. like my lovely neighbors... we pushed each other... comforted each other when we were down.. cheered for each other... tat's how i survived. i really couldnt imagine how life wld be w/o them arnd.

im gonna miss them really. miss everyone while im away in canada for 2.5 months. ive finally decided to put aside everything in singapore n travel to a faraway land. and for the first time in my life... a place so far away... alone... no.. im not gonna be scared. i gonna be independent. i will survive. really. finally exams are over n i can finally get real excited over this trip. i gonna leave my family.. my frens.. my commitments.. my responsibilities aside for these couple of months.. away to a foreign land. i wanna travel... i wanna make friends from all over the world... i wanna experience how it's like to be in a foreign land. i wanna learn to be independent. im 19 going 20. im a young adult. i shldnt worry... i'll be fine. it gonna be great fun! *excited*

email me my friends... or email me ur address... n we can be short term penpals! i really really gonna miss you all.. goodness!

the going gets tough..

hmm...

had a dream just now. it's not abt anyone arnd me tho. but jus thought it was kinda interesting so i woke up immediately n came online thinking tat i might be able to search for sth.

anw.. yesterday was a bad day. real bad. i wouldnt want to think abt it anymore. i had the worst exam ever. my mind blanked out n i felt extremely terrible during the 2.5 hrs. exams had never been like this for me. i know i was too tired. i know i didnt had enough rest. n my mind happily blank out when i thot maybe i could still perservere on for another 3 hrs. but no.. i forgot every single formula. 80% of the paper on calculations.. i cant do a single shit. stress level shot up to it's highest. almost break down. wanted so much to cry but no tears could flow. ive never never felt this way for exam. im certain ive to retake this paper. this is not a test or a CA. it's an exam! why? im freaking disappointed w myself. went back hall immediately... slept.. for 4 hrs.. but went i woke up im still traumatized by what had happened earlier. it's an exam. it's an exam. it's an exam. stress level still going high. head still feeling heavy n saturated. i tried studying.. but no... nothing can enter my brain.

ive done something ive never done before. ive flunk an exam which i never did in my whole life. i have to retake a paper which i never did all my life. and the first person i thought of immediately was my grandpa. i failed him. his last words to me was to study hard... i failed him. ive disappoint him.

im feeling kinda weak to continue the exam anymore. im scared. im stressed. i thought maybe i jus needed rest. but now it seems like it's more than jus that. im really scared.

i pray.. i really wanna pray.. tell me what to do lord.. im feeling so lost.. so helpless...

scared.. i really am..

im so sorry grandpa..